During a discussion last Mother's Day, one friend told another, a new mother of a baby girl, that mother/daughter relationships always contained problems and conflict. This statement perplexed me. Because I have nothing but affection, admiration, and awe for my mother.
I consider my mother to be basically the perfect woman. In these post-Feminist times, many women struggle to meet the ridiculously unrealistic ideal of being a wonderful mother, an exceptional homemaker, and a successful career woman all while still looking young and beautiful. With so daunting a task, almost every mother falls short. But mine didn't. My mother somehow managed to work her way up through a career in education, while cooking dinner almost every night and raising two daughters (both of whom turned out pretty well, if I say so myself). And she still looks about 20 years younger than her age. Of course, she had help. She and my father split domestic duties fairly evenly, though she still did almost all the cooking. This split helped shape my own progressive ideas about gender roles. But they had no family nearby and started with only a modest income.
I remember babysitters and daycare from an early age, but at no point did I ever feel that my mother was uninvolved. On the contrary, my mother always played a large role in all aspects of our lives. She never missed a dance recital, a choir concert, a play (often helping with make-up and costumes), or a football game (I was in flagsquad, not cheerleading). And since we have such a close relationship, I always told her everything. I don't think I've ever even gone on a date with a guy without telling her about it.
I never realized how exceptional my family experience was until I got to college and met many people with far different parental relationships. People who genuinely disliked spending time with their family or whose parents were abusive or simply absent. I began to understand that my own situation was rare and that I was extraordinarily lucky.
Now as a mom myself, I feel even more pressure than most to meet that impossible female ideal. I had a recent conversation with my sister about it where we agreed that having first hand experience with such a perfect mom definitely adds a challenge to motherhood. While the reverse is obviously far more difficult (I can only imagine how hard motherhood must be for those with negative experiences with their mothers or who lost their mothers early), I do struggle with comparing myself to my mother on a regular basis. A stay-at-home mom with family relatively nearby and a comfortable lifestyle, I feel more overwhelmed at times with the task of raising two kids than my mother ever seemed to be.
My mother sure gave me some big shoes to fill. If I can be half as good a mother as she is, I would be doing a pretty great job. I don't know if I can ever come close. But, just as my mother taught me, I know I'll never stop trying.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
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