My 18-month-old daughter is at that fun stage of learning to talk where she acquires a new word everyday. One of her current favorite words is mine. Suddenly everything is hers. Every toy her brother picks up, every piece of food she sees me eating, my phone are now hers. I know this stage is normal. My son went through it around her age. However, some people feel that this stage should be permanent.
A war on sharing is brewing. Several articles have come out discussing why you should not teach your children to share. Some articles advocate letting a child have a toy for as long as they want it, even saving it for them if they need to use the potty. The advocates of such practices say that sharing encourages children to feel entitled to anything they desire immediately. This reasoning confuses me. If you teach your children to share, you're not just teaching them to ask other children if they can have a turn with a toy (and I tell my children to ask nicely and, if the answer is no, to walk away), you're also teaching them that whatever they have, they should be willing to share with others. When we bring a toy to the playground, I make sure my children know that they have to share it with others or bring a second toy to share. Personally, I feel if you teach children that it is ok not to share toys with friends or take turns using toys at school, you are teaching your child to be selfish.
One advocate describes an instance of her son playing with a red car he liked during an open play session at a rec center and being annoyed with another mother who asked him to give her own son a turn. He didn't, but continued to play with the car for an hour and a half with the toy. She points out that there were other cars there, but she says her own son prefers this car to all others. Maybe other children feel the same. Maybe that little boy whose mother tried to get the car for him had been looking forward to playing it with all the way to the rec center. Yes, I agree that our children need to learn to deal with disappointment. But what is the boy on the red car learning? That it is ok to have fun even it causes others to feel unhappy.
Take the instance of a school policy which allows a child to play with a particular toy for as long as they like, not encouraging turn taking. The child who arrives at the toy first will have first dibs. So if one child arrives late to school due to a tardy or disorganized parent, they are already at a disadvantage. Or if they need to use the potty at the beginning of play time. Or if they want to spend more time on some project that precedes play time. Or if they are just a little slower. Do we really want to teach our children that it is ok to be ungenerous with things they have purely through luck and circumstance?
This whole problematic pattern of thinking has leaked into many aspects of our society. Many Americans believe that their success, good fortune, good education comes purely through their own effort. However, they forget that no one in this world lives in a vacuum. Humans by nature are a highly social species who rely on their parents for a longer period of time than any other animal. Most billionaires started off as millionaires, including Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. If you grew up poor, but ended up becoming educated and wealthy, chances are you had a parent or teacher or some other mentor who encouraged you. Without whom, you would not be where you are today. Even the simple luck of just being born in America gives you an extreme advantage. Consider others born in developing countries where the average person does not have access to water, let alone a college education.
Whether it's our food, our education, our roads, or the money we make, we all rely on others for something. Our interdependence is not shameful. It reflects our ability to work together. Because when we work together and share, we can achieve greatness. Otherwise, we will be stuck in the mine mentality of an 18-month-old.
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