Since becoming a mom I have dreamed of an unattainable goal: a full night's sleep. But, as I have said before, both of my kids have been terrible sleepers. Even if miraculously they do sleep through the night (an occurrence so rare I could count the times it happened this year on one hand), I generally wake up frequently, thinking I hear them. I'm so used to the constant night awakenings, that my body can no longer sleep deeply. Any white noise, a fan or the AC, somehow morphs into my child crying. But of course, the actual crying is even worse. And what to do about it is the million dollar question. How do you get your baby to - sleep like a baby?
Sleep constitutes one of the biggest challenges to parents of small children and among the most hotly debated. A polarizing issue, it has led parents to completely opposite conclusions, sure of their own sleep solution. I personally have heard some parents (and some books) say that if you do not sleep train, your children will develop insomnia and never be able to sleep on their own. In contrast, I have also heard from other parents (and Dr. Sears) that if you do "cry it out", your children will develop permanent psychological damage. Some attachment parenting advocates point out that in developing countries all babies cosleep and sleep training does not exist. But here's the thing: in many such communities, people live in extended family groups and raise their children with their relatives. If you're up all night nursing your baby, you can rely on help the next day from a mother or aunt or sister. Our rather unnatural nuclear family model in the US makes full attachment parenting a daunting challenge for any parent.
My personal view is somewhere in the middle. I do not think you will permanently damage your child by sleep training or by going to them every single time they cry. I think it is important to have a consistent routine that helps your child feel safe and loved when they go to bed. But I have known parents on completely opposite sides of this issue whose children turn out just fine. I think that different kids have different needs. And some kids sleep great almost from infancy, while others just don't. I do feel that sleep training might be necessary to preserve your own sanity. But in my experience, sleep training is not a one-time thing that fixes the issue completely. Like my son's nightmares or my daughter's teething, various developmental issues affect your child's sleep and, even if they have gone through some form of sleep training, they can revert back to night awakening at a later point.
After reading almost every book I could get my hands on about this issue, I opted for a blend of techniques. We keep to a pretty set routine:
- Dinner
- Bath/ Getting Ready
- Two Books
- Snuggle and Sleep
As per The No Cry Sleep Solution, I try not to nurse Willa to sleep. I break the latch before she's completely out and try to put her down while she's slightly (very slightly) awake, then rub her back if she fusses. I try not to go to Willa as soon as she cries. We've had our own set of challenges since the children share a room and we don't want her to wake up her brother. Luckily, he's the deeper sleeper. If he wakes up, it's almost a guarantee that she will. And when she does wake up, we normally just put Willa in bed with us and then give her access to the all-night buffet.
This week, I have been staying at my folks' house and had the luxury of putting the kids in two different rooms. So I have been trying to do a form of cry it out for Willa. I have been letting her cry for at least 15 min (with the plan to increase the amount each time she wakes up). The first night, she woke up around 2 something (fairly typical). I waited 15 minutes, then nursed her, and put her back in her crib to sleep. The second night was similar, but Willa woke up when I put her back in the crib. Exhausted, I just left and, after just a few minutes of crying, she went back to sleep. The next night, I had just gotten to sleep when she woke up around 11:30. I let her cry for a bit more than 15 min and then all was quiet until almost 7. Last night, I heard her cry at 12:30 for about a minute before she fell back asleep. I heard her again at 4 something say rather calmly, "Mommy? Mommy?" And then nothing until 7ish again. I have high hopes for tonight!
Of course, I do also have a 3-yr-old who shared my room this week. And almost every night this week, he has woken up. It's either his sister's crying, a potty need, a request for a light on, or a wish to snuggle. I just keep telling myself, this too shall pass. And then I'll probably miss it. Or I'll just enjoy a long-awaited full night's sleep.
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