Astoriamom

The Award for Worst Mom

I recently got into a discussion with some friends about which one of us is the worst mom. Now bear in mind, none of us are abusive and all of us devote a huge amount of time to our kids. But we all felt that we really are the worst. And many other moms I know have confessed having the same thought.

Having taught preschool for nearly 5 years, occasionally having sole charge of a room of 15 two-year-olds, I thought I would totally have motherhood in the bag. But somehow being an actual mom of two children is harder. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the intense responsibility, or the 24 hour a dayness of it, but I often feel overwhelmed. Other moms, usually those with only one kid or recent moms of two, have told me they're impressed with my ability to manage. But they don't see those rough moments. Most moms feel pressure to always seem in control, on top of everything. But for many, me included, this is just an act. And we moms do a disservice to each other by pretending to be so perfect all the time. We aren't. We make mistakes and we all have worst mother moments.

It is not that I always feel like the worst. Some days, I'll have a mom success. For example, when Nate got into trouble for hitting someone he didn't get along with at school, I had him make a nice "I'm sorry" card for her which he decorated with pink and purple owl stamps. It turns out that she loves owls and was so pleased with the card that the two of them began playing with each other. That made me happy. And sometimes after a particularly successful party, complete with homemade treats, or the odd peaceful day in which no one was hurt and no catastrophes occurred, I feel good about motherhood.

And sometimes I will go from feeling like a good mom to a terrible mom in a span of minutes. Once I was outside watering our plants while the kids played peacefully in our sandbox. I felt very content that my kids were so sweet to each other. Then Nate poured a bunch of sand right on Willa's head. It got all over her face, in her eyes, and ingrained in her curls. I flipped. The quickest way to make me crazy is for Nate to hurt his sister. I would definitely be up for the worst mom award for my loud reaction.

I have been known to yell. Too much. But I did not grow up in a quiet house. Not that my parents yelled at me particularly much, but we just yell in general. A friend reflected that after her first dinner at our house in high school, she thought my whole family was angry at each other. And then she realized that's just how we interacted. We're Italian and we are not quiet people. But I know it would be better to keep an even tone with the kids. It's just that when you have to repeat everything you say, all day long, sometimes you snap.

And while I know my kids are sweet at heart and aren't overactive, they are not what you would call eager to please. Quite the opposite, they both instigate mischief on a regular basis. Willa draws on our walls and furniture (and I make her clean it off). Nate has actually locked me out of the house on one occasion (which he got into super trouble for). Luckily, he let me back in. I was not entirely sure of what my strategy would be otherwise.

When Willa takes off her shoes at the park and won't put them back on or Nate has a screaming meltdown over not getting ice cream (despite the fact I have never once bought him ice cream at the park!), I feel like the worst mom and think that everyone in the vicinity agrees. At a recent park trip, Nate started spraying water from the drinking water fountain all over, getting others wet. I didn't see at first since I was once again trying to get Willa's shoes back on and in discussion with a couple moms about kindergarten next year. Then I heard Nate say to a mom by the swings "She's over there" pointing at me, presumably in answer to the question "Where is your mother?". Yeah, I was that mom. I ran over and apologized but felt awful.

I go from feeling like I'm not strict enough (why else would my children misbehave) to feeling like a tyrant (sometimes yelling at or punishing my kids for relatively minor infractions). One friend told me that this means I am probably just the right amount of strict, but, as I told my mother recently, I frequently feel like I don't know what I'm doing. My mother's kind response was that no parent does. This gives me some hope as my mother could certainly win a best mother ever award.

Yesterday, I told Willa to clean up her crayons and she responded by running into the next room. I sighed and said to Nate, "Why does Willa never do what I say?" He replied wisely, "Um, maybe because she's two." And I guess he is right. Most two-year-olds do not do everything their moms say. My kids are nothing if not independent thinkers and while that may cause a lot of headaches now, it hopefully means that they actually have a greater shot at future success.

Another friend of mine recently posted a photo of herself in an Astoria's Okayest Mom t-shirt. The motherly guilt so many of us suffer from may make us constantly questions ourselves, feel responsible for each mishap our children experience, and be ready to run for worst mom of the year. But if we could just accept our inevitable imperfection maybe we could more easily embrace the joy of motherhood. Because most of us are pretty ok.

As I wrote that last sentence, Willa literally just said to me, "Mommy, you are the best mommy ever." I really love that girl. And I suppose that is what counts.

 

Mulan and the Persistence of Gender

Not the most popular of Disney movies, but one of the few offered on Netflix streaming, Mulan happens to be a favorite of mine. So I recently introduced it to Willa and Nate on a rainy day. They both enjoyed it, but not the same parts. Willa likes the beginning when Mulan gets bathed, dressed, and made up for the matchmaker. Nate enjoys the cannon explosions and the main villain. With such gender-typical preferences, I think they may have missed the point of the movie.

While I think both nature and nurture influence behavior, I do think some inherent differences exist between females and males. While teaching preschool, I observed my two-year-old girl students focusing their play around make believe situations while the boys' play took a more physical and often destructive turn. I watched the girls use their verbal skills to argue and manipulate, while boys much more frequently resorted to hitting and pushing. Of course, these observations are purely anecdotal and even two-year-olds have already been socialized. But with such consistent differences at so young an age, I think biology must be involved.

Despite our best efforts at gender neutrality, Nate and Willa clearly exhibit traditionally boy/girl behaviors. Before the children were born, I purchased items in mostly green or yellow, avoiding most pink or blue tones. We painted our nursery green. We always had traditionally girl toys (kitchen, doll, dress-up) available to Nate and traditionally boy toys (cars, trains, work bench) available to Willa. They both enjoy a range of these toys, but the way they play differs. Nate turns anything into a weapon - generally a light saber or gun (and where he even learned about guns is beyond me). At Willa's age, Nate was obsessed with trains and is now obsessed with star wars. While he does have many friends who are girls and seems to be more interested in books and art than sports, his play is often more rough and more physical.

Willa tends much more towards building and make believe. She loves to drape dress-up clothes on herself and walk around the house singing "Let it Go." Already obsessed with clothes, getting her dressed in the morning can be a challenge, since she always has a very strong opinion about what to wear. She occasionally tries to use crayons, paint or chalk as nail polish (something I've tried to put off introducing her to) or worse. Yesterday at the park, she covered her lips in purple chalk saying it was lipstick. Not that she is a delicate flower. Far from it, she has no problem getting dirty and is a very active child. A tough cookie, she is not shy about standing up for herself to other kids (I have heard her say loudly "Never do that to me again!"), probably a byproduct of having to deal with an older brother. But with her love of clothes and interest in cosmetics, she gravitates towards that which is girly. 

I am pretty girly myself. I don't like pink, frills, or impractical shoes (despite the fact I don't reach 5 ft on a good day) and I don't mind getting dirty or roughing it (my former life as a primatologist involved living in the rainforest with nothing but a tarp overhang as shelter, a river for a bath, and a shallow hole in the ground for a toilet). But I do like unicorns, flowers, and rainbows. A sucker for lace or a floral print, I enjoy clothes, dressing up, keeping my hair long. Fit, but unathletic, I've always preferred yoga, walking and ballet for exercise. While a staunch feminist, I firmly believe feminism does not just mean that women can do things as well as men (which of course they can - often better, except for maybe heavy lifting), but also that traditionally feminine things are just as important as the traditionally masculine. Ballet is actually more physically challenging than football. And being a stay at home parent is just as, if not more, important than bringing home the bacon.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with being a girly girl, unless it includes being passive or overly concerned about appearance. And I don't think there is anything wrong with being a boy boy so long as it does not involve bullying or super violent behaviors. But I do find it interesting that at such a young age, my children, raised with an open mind regarding gender roles, behave so typically.

My personal favorite part of Mulan is the song "Be a Man", in which Mulan uses her brains as well as physical effort to transform from a weak "boy" to a strong, skilled fighter. Who doesn't love a montage? I hope my children grow up knowing they can use their intelligence and effort to be anything they want to be, regardless of their gender.