I returned to my high school last Saturday for the first time in over a decade. A dedication ceremony was being held to rename the auditorium for my former music teacher, Dr. Bunnell. The ceremony moved me in part because it reminded me of how inspiring and devoted Dr. Bunnell was as a teacher. But also because it brought back so many memories.
I entered my freshman year with very low self-esteem. I not only lacked confidence, I also did not see much value in it. Luckily, I enjoyed a large circle of supportive friends in high school who encouraged me. My school was a very cliquey one - think Mean Girls with tables segregated by specific social group. A small school, we all knew each other and knew where each person stood in the social order. By high school, my looks and dress were decent enough to prevent open ridicule - except in gym class. I remember the sinking feeling I would get in my stomach on my way to the gym locker room, particularly if we were doing baseball or volleyball. How someone coordinated enough to do ballet pointe and swing dance can be unable to hit a baseball with a bat or serve a volleyball over the net is a mystery! I was nearly always the last one picked on teams. I was so relieved if instead we had weight room or the rare step aerobics class.
My safe haven was the music department. I didn't play an instrument in school (my harp lessons occurred outside school) but I did sing in choir and the musicals. The music department has its own entrance, which was the sole door I used throughout my high school career. It had its own single bathroom, which I used almost exclusively. There I made and strengthened friendships with others in the music department. We weren't popular, but we all shared a love of music/ theatre and each other. Our friendships had their ups and downs, as anything does at that age, but most weathered the test of time.
I probably changed more between freshman and senior year of high school than at any other part in my life. In addition to my friendships, I owe much of this change to performing. Being able to perform on stage helped me cultivate a strength in myself. I got nervous every single time. And I would think, "Why do I do this to myself?" Then the performance would start and I would remember. I loved losing myself in the role, the rush of applause after a successful performance, and the strong bonds I formed with fellow cast members. I emerged after graduation a (at least somewhat) confident young woman, who viewed strength as an important value.
I think what you do in high school has a huge influence on the rest of your life, at least it did on mine. There is something about not being in the in crowd, being one of the theatre people, the misfits (though we weren't that radical - saved that for college) that stays with you. It did help me gain strength, but also sometimes feeds the social insecurities that I still harbor.
Last week, I went on Nate's first school bus field trip. As we rode the bus, one of the moms joked that only the cool kids rode in the back. We all laughed. It brought me back to my days of school buses and social rank. Becoming a parent is a bit like entering high school. You are thrust into a new situation where you need to make friends or be alone. As someone who thrives on friendships, isolation was never a viable option for me and the life of a stay at home mom - even in the city - can be very isolating. Each new experience with your child brings you in touch with new people - baby groups, mommy and me classes, preschool. Now that Nate will be entering a new (and still undetermined) school next year, not only he, but I will need to make new friends - with parents of Nate's future kindergarten classmates. I have met some wonderful people through my children, friendships I hope might become as strong as those I made in high school. But as in high school, it takes a while to establish yourself and find your place in any new social circle.
As I walked alone through my old music room after the dedication ceremony, I remembered all that transpired there. The friendships, the heartbreak, the struggles - all those experiences that feel so intense as a teenager. And why do they seem to be so very important at the time? Well, the fact is - they are. Not necessarily in themselves, but because they happen when you're in the process of finding your own identity. They shape who you are, how you behave in future relationships, and how you see the world. While they certainly weren't "the best days of my life" (a phrase that always sounds so sad to me), my high school years made me who I am today. I am not particularly looking forward to my children's adolescence, but I hope when it occurs they find a network of support from us, friends, and from doing what they love.
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