On a recent walk home with Willa from school, I saw a little dead bird on the sidewalk. Not a common bird, but a beautiful goldfinch or some other little yellowish bird, just lying there. I hoped Willa wouldn't see it, but she did. And she of course asked me what happened to the birdie.
I am obsessively honest with my kids. They already know the truth about Santa Claus and if they asked where babies come from, I would read them one of those child-friendly picture books that gives the real anatomical facts. Like my parents (who also never made up stories about Santa and who showed me such a book when I asked the question around 8-years-old), I believe that being honest with your kids builds trust and helps your children learn about the world. It did work with my parents. I always trusted them and consequently never lied to them (or if I attempted to, I inevitably did it very badly and failed). So I think honesty is key. But when it comes to death, things are...complicated.
In the season of Halloween, such dark matters surround us. Zombies, ghosts, skeletons decorate neighborhood houses and the local pharmacy. Personally, I love it. I have always gravitated towards the macabre with a fascination for all things spooky. My children seem to share my delight in the joyful scariness of the season. But not everyone does. I have spoken to other mothers who are concerned at the frightening images so common around Halloween. And the fact that so many of the standard decorations and stories are routed rather disturbingly in death.
It raises the issue of how much children should be exposed to this darkness. In some such discussion, children's movies came up. Disney movies, particularly the old ones based on fairytales, do contain some frightening scenes. Evil queens requesting the hearts of innocent princesses, sorceresses changing into dragons, young girls escaping their captors only to be chased by fierce wolves. Many of these movies include the protagonist losing a parent and almost all of them end in death for the main villain. They are dark tales.
But they are not nearly as dark as the fairytales they are based on. The original Grimm tales are gruesome. To the point that when I read our beautifully-illustrated version of the original Grimm translation of Snow White to my daughter, I edit out several parts, including the evil stepmother's horrific end in which she is forced to wear hot iron shoes until she falls down dead. Why were these stories so terrifying? They came from a time when death was a frequent visitor. In days when child mortality was high and it was common for children to lose a sibling or a parent to illness or child birth. Children needed to deal with death and darkness because it was part of everyday life. Evil witches and fairy stories served as a safe way to explore some serious and scary situations.
Luckily, this is no longer usually the case. Thanks to modern medicine, most children in this country do not have to face such terrors early in the life. But does that mean we should pretend that they don't exist? Do we try to shield our children from the idea of death and evil as long as possible? Should we wait until the death of a loved one necessitates a discussion? Or perhaps even then hide the truth.
While maybe not a common view, I don't think so. I think death is a part of life. And while naturally upsetting, I don't think it's something we should lie about or work hard to hide from our children. When we hang up Sylvie's Christmas ornament with her name and footprints on our tree every year, I have explained to Nate and Willa that she was their sister and is now in heaven. I did not go into details and I don't think they completely understand it, but I felt it important to say something.
I think those frightening moments in Disney movies are a safe way to explore fear and learn that evil exists in the world. Of course, it varies depending on the child. If your kid is easily frightened or has an active imagination, it makes sense to exercise caution with such images. I made the foolish mistake of introducing Nate to my favorite Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast, when he was just under 4, at a time when he was having frequent nightmares. I thought to myself that it wasn't too scary, Gaston is not the world's most frightening villain. But Nate took one look at the Beast and burst out sobbing. Poor kid! But if your child is not prone to nightmares or fearful fantasies, then I do think such tales can serve an important purpose. For older children, I think Neil Gaimon's novels Coraline and The Graveyard Book explore darkness in a frightening but safe way.
I decided to tell Willa that the bird had died and was in heaven. She said, "Poor birdie!" I told her maybe it was flying around and happy in heaven. She told her father and brother about the experience. She seemed interested but not particularly disturbed which I suppose is the best reaction. After all, we haven't eliminated death. Sooner or later, my children will come into contact with it, however much I may want to shield them. My role, as I see it, is to be a flashlight. A little glimmer that serves as a guide. Because at some point we all need to tread into the dark.
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